Try Hard

Feb. 21st, 2011 01:22 pm
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
[personal profile] angelic_1
This year I am trying so hard. I am trying to get my life on track, my family on track and have things just work for me and my family. I just really don't feel like it is going any where though.

I have been going to the gym for about 6 months now and really I notice no difference. I have been trying to eat better and drink more water and yet I am not really losing weight. I might be somewhat fitter but not in a way that is totally obvious to me. It is completely annoying and discouraging.

Geoff told me that when he gets home and sees a messy house then he just doesn't want to be there and it makes him all grumpy. Well this year I have been making my kitchen sparkle. I have been keeping the lounge tidy and trying to put away the washing as I go. I have been sweeping and vacuuming a lot more and basically the house is always in a pretty reasonable state. I have also been encouraging the kids to keep their rooms tidy and making them pick up their things after playing with them and putting their own clothes away. This doesn't seem to be helping in making Geoff less grumpy. He has been a little more affectionate to me but it is sporadic and not really in the way that makes me feel as appreciated as I would like.

I have made the kids a chore chart and we are working together to get tasks done in the week. They are helping to do things like cook dinner, empty the dishwasher, sweep the floors and feed the cats. A lot of these I have to help them with but it is getting them doing some of it. I think it will work out well but right now I just feel drained.

I am making a point of reading the bible to the kids every day. I am also making a point of reading the bible to myself, reading a non-fiction Christian book every day and listening to and singing more Christian songs. I am enjoying it. I like making God a bigger part of my life. I just feel like it isn't always getting me any where.

I have a history of clinical depression. I am completely aware of my personality type and know that sometimes I just can't dig myself out of the holes I feel myself slipping into. I am trying so hard to make my life balanced and healthy. I am working on my mind, my body and my soul. Yet still, sometimes, I feel so flat and lonely.

I have heaps of friends. I am fully blessed with having friends but I still don't feel like I have anyone who can just help me to not feel lonely. I don't feel like I have someone who I can talk to for hours and feel like I have had the release I need and also had some part in inputting into their life just as much as they are inputting into mine. I so often feel like I am walking the path alone. I know I have God and Jesus and for that I am truly grateful. God and Jesus are not always talking to me though. They are not always right there to hug me and nurture me and advise me. As adults we still actually need these things and I feel like I am missing out.

I haven't felt fully nurtured since before I was a teenager. My father didn't know how to nurture me when I lived with him and he didn't seem to have time for it anyway. I am not high maintenance, I just need some regular affection and attention. Is that so wrong to want that and crave it?
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angelic_1

February 2011

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