Try Hard

Feb. 21st, 2011 01:22 pm
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
This year I am trying so hard. I am trying to get my life on track, my family on track and have things just work for me and my family. I just really don't feel like it is going any where though.

I have been going to the gym for about 6 months now and really I notice no difference. I have been trying to eat better and drink more water and yet I am not really losing weight. I might be somewhat fitter but not in a way that is totally obvious to me. It is completely annoying and discouraging.

Geoff told me that when he gets home and sees a messy house then he just doesn't want to be there and it makes him all grumpy. Well this year I have been making my kitchen sparkle. I have been keeping the lounge tidy and trying to put away the washing as I go. I have been sweeping and vacuuming a lot more and basically the house is always in a pretty reasonable state. I have also been encouraging the kids to keep their rooms tidy and making them pick up their things after playing with them and putting their own clothes away. This doesn't seem to be helping in making Geoff less grumpy. He has been a little more affectionate to me but it is sporadic and not really in the way that makes me feel as appreciated as I would like.

I have made the kids a chore chart and we are working together to get tasks done in the week. They are helping to do things like cook dinner, empty the dishwasher, sweep the floors and feed the cats. A lot of these I have to help them with but it is getting them doing some of it. I think it will work out well but right now I just feel drained.

I am making a point of reading the bible to the kids every day. I am also making a point of reading the bible to myself, reading a non-fiction Christian book every day and listening to and singing more Christian songs. I am enjoying it. I like making God a bigger part of my life. I just feel like it isn't always getting me any where.

I have a history of clinical depression. I am completely aware of my personality type and know that sometimes I just can't dig myself out of the holes I feel myself slipping into. I am trying so hard to make my life balanced and healthy. I am working on my mind, my body and my soul. Yet still, sometimes, I feel so flat and lonely.

I have heaps of friends. I am fully blessed with having friends but I still don't feel like I have anyone who can just help me to not feel lonely. I don't feel like I have someone who I can talk to for hours and feel like I have had the release I need and also had some part in inputting into their life just as much as they are inputting into mine. I so often feel like I am walking the path alone. I know I have God and Jesus and for that I am truly grateful. God and Jesus are not always talking to me though. They are not always right there to hug me and nurture me and advise me. As adults we still actually need these things and I feel like I am missing out.

I haven't felt fully nurtured since before I was a teenager. My father didn't know how to nurture me when I lived with him and he didn't seem to have time for it anyway. I am not high maintenance, I just need some regular affection and attention. Is that so wrong to want that and crave it?
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
Ok, I have a big child raising problem and it is really stressing me out. The thing is, it is not a problem with my kids. Geoff and I am pretty much on track with our beliefs in child raring methods and discipline techniques. Our kids play up, like all kids, but most of the methods we are currently using seem to work. For the most part we have good, well behaved kids. Sure they push the boundaries every now and then, more often when they are tired, bored or frustrated.

My problem is with a friend of mine and her son. The son is about 2 weeks younger than Nate and basically it seems that he is the boss of his house and his mother, or at least when his Dad isn't around. This child has always been rather will-full. He wants things done his way and he will try to make everyone bend to that. This isn't uncommon in a 2 year old boy. It is a part of growing up and finding you place in the world.

I feel like this boy has been given a false sense of where he stands though. It seems like he thinks the world revolves around him and there will be hell to pay if you don't agree. Again, not uncommon. What irks me though is that nothing seems to be done about it. The child does something wrong, like hitting for example, and he is told in a pixie voice that we don't do that. He then gets upset for being told that and the mother gives him hugs and pats told it is all right. In that he has not learned the lesson that we don't hit, he has learned that if we complain enough about lessons we will get a reward of love through hugs.

If this was just a one off thing then that would be one thing but this happens about 3 times minimum every time we are together. Today he was riding on Nate's Tricycle and decided it was fun to start crashing it forcefully into the garage wall and house. I told him not to do that as I didn't want the trike damaged, or the house and garage for that matter. He got all grumpy and told his mum that he didn't like Tash saying that. His Mum gave him hugs,

Later Nate was riding on his tricycle and the boy got annoyed because he wanted to ride on it. He tried to push Nate off said trike and bully him into getting off. Nate wasn't having any of it and said loudly "No!". The child got all upset that he had not won the fight and went crying to his mother where he received further hugs and was told that it was ok. The pixie voice comes out again and he is told that it was going to be all right and Nate was having a turn now but he could have a turn later. No discipline for the bully tactics or the shoving. Attention for getting annoyed at not winning.

We then took this party into the house. I made the kids some lunch. He wasn't impressed but I didn't care. He proceeded to attempt to take all of the boys trains into the living room. I asked him not to take any more out please and said he could play with the ones he had here but to return them when he had finished playing. I am trying really hard to make the living area toy free and the kids are encouraged to play in their rooms or outside. The child got upset at me telling him he would have to put them away afterwards and upset that he would no be able ot bring more out (he had about 10 trains out). More hugs, pats and pixie words.

And for the almost final act... Nate was playing with 2 of the trains (actually a train and a boat), the child wanted those toys to play with (even though there were 8 others to choose from and one was identical to one of the ones Nate had). Nate said "No!" once more and walked away. The child tried chasing him, pushing him and bullying him in general. He also tried to snatch the trains off Nate. Remember this is at my house and the trains are actually Nate's in the first place. His Mum brings out the pixie voice again and explains that we have to share our toys and that Nate is playing with those ones right now but he could play with all these other ones. The child was not mollified. He wanted those ones and he was going to make the effort to get them. Mum tried to give him a hug to make the world better for him. The child hit Mum. Mum said no and that was that. No discipline, no consequences, nothing.

I have known this person for about 10 years. I have spent a lot of time and life with her and she is a true friend. I just do not know how to approach this whole thing. I don't actually like visiting much during child awake hours because I can't handle watching this child manipulate his way into having it all and being fully allowed my his mother. I love spending time with just the mother but I am less inclined to spend time with her son. I just don't know what to do!

I don't want to sound like I think I know it all because I don't think that at all. I don't want to criticise and bring her down either. A true friend though is supposed to advise when advise is asked for though aren't they? What does one do in this situation? How do I approach it? It is very stressful. I found myself today just wishing they would go home. That is not a fun place to be in.
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
So I am not one for resolutions. I set them on the 31st of December and have usually broken them by the 31st of January. Okay, if we are being really honest about it, they are usually broken by the 2nd or 3rd, depending on what that Resolution was.

In saying this I have several on going resolutions. One of my always resolutions is to get fit, stay fit and ultimately lose weight. I have not been at all successful with this one. I have, however, been going to the gym for about 5 months now and I am certainly fitter than I was. I don't feel like I have lost any weight or size but some of my friends think I look like I have so I will just take their word for it. I am more toned, I will give you that!

Another one of my on going resolutions is to read, study, absorb the bible. I have been doing that last year by listening to it. I especially enjoy listening to it whilst working out so my time at the gym was doubly well spent.

This year I have decided to add something to my list. I am not sure how it is going to go as I often get distracted. This year I have decided to give FlyLady a go. I have heard people going on about it for years but have not really done anything more about it. Today I went onto the site and signed up for the daily email and make my sink sparkle. I am not sure what will happen from here but it certainly is nice to have a sparkly sink. I liked it so much that when I had finished the prep work for dinner I made sure it was a tidy mess, easy to load into the dishwasher.

I am not sure what my baby step for tomorrow is yet. I am a little afraid to look because I might be tempted to do it today and then feel like I have over done things (don't even try to understand my mind). So let us see how this will do.

I am working on improving my body. I am working on improving my soul. I am starting to work on improving my house which in some ways will improve my mind. Baby steps. BABY STEPS.
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
Ok seriously? In relation to my earlier post. The boy is now pretending to be oblivious to the fact that I know he is at the girls house. It is incredibly annoying. I know he is there. He knows that I know he is there so why the big song and dance about it?
I haven't got to talk to my female friend at all today and I expected that but he could at least play nice couldn't he?
So I am nosy. It is one of those good, caring type nosy's where I want to know how things are going. Going to a physical strangers house to sty for 3 weeks is a big deal. I know it is. Is it too much to ask that I at least be graced with acknowledgement that I know he is there?

I am sure I am blowing things out of proportion and getting all annoyed at the silliest of thing. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. I just wanted a few words. Oh well. I guess I now know what to expect. I should just move on.

yeah right!
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
So about 14 months ago I attempted to set two of my friends up. There were a few difficulties because she lives in the States and he lives in New Zealand. They had also both had some minor issues with internet relationships in the past and were cautious at the idea of trying that again. The fact that I was the one setting them up made it a good thing as well as a bad thing.

Anyway, I pushed ahead and talked each person up to the other. With a bit of pushing - the people involved will read this in think it was a lot of pushing but really I just pushed enough that was necessary to get things moving in the right direction. That might have seemed like a lot of force to them but they are both stubborn and obviously didn't know what was good for them! - they started emailing each other and commenting on journal posts/FB statuses.

Well the email kept rolling and the conversations expanded to MSN chats, texts and then video chat. They were getting to know each other. My plan was working. (Insert evil laugh here.)

Things progressed and the boy and the girl decided it was time to meet. The girl was looking at studying in New Zealand as one of the universities offered a good extension to her current area and it would be a nice change of environment. Remember she was planning on coming here for study and not for the boy. The boy decided that maybe it would be a good idea for him to visit her before she moved and if he could arrange it properly he might even be able to come on the same flight with her back to New Zealand to help her with the whole moving process.

With a lot of confusion and sorting and getting things in line the tickets were booked and the flight was taken. The boy arrived at the girls place yesterday. It is all very exciting and interesting to see what happens from here. They are not going out or anything official but neither really wanted to do that until they met in person.

I am super excited for them but also part of me feels sad. I have known the girl for over 6 years and even though we have never met in person she is one of my best friends. I have finally managed to get her to come over here but even then my time with her will be limited. At the moment she is hanging out with this guy and getting even better acquainted with him and I am on the other side of the world missing out (yeah I know that is selfish). When she comes over here I am apparently not allowed to see her for over a week because the boy is instantly whipping her off on a holiday to see some of the sites. As if it isn't torture enough knowing I am missing out on something now, I will get to know that she is in the country and still not get to see her. I know we will get to hang out eventually but right now I have to wait. Yeah I really didn't think it through when I set them up!

Oh well, it will be interesting to see where things go from here.
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
Well it is the end of the 26th now. I have done my Christmas with my family and I have done my Christmas with Geoff's family. I have eaten a lot of ham, chicken and salad and I have successfully avoided a paper cut whilst opening presents. My kids are now too old to let me open their presents for them anyway so there wasn't a lot of presents left for me.

I don't think I really ate excessively for Christmas and I was good and has a lot of veggies and healthy options. I think my body just knows that it is Christmas though so it makes me feel stuffed regardless. It was all such yummy food.

The kids seemed to have a blast. They got a large amount of plunder between them and I think our Lego supplies have doubled in 2 short days. We now have a Star Wars X wing and men, a sand dune buggy and men, a petrol tanker, a sea plane and a scene from Toy Story 3. Our Toy Story merchandise has also increased greatly. Nate got 2 sets of toy story clothes, a toy story book and a Woody soft toy... plus Jonathan got the afore mentioned Toy Story 3 Lego.

Geoff and I managed to get a few nice photos and frames, some yummy food, some money to buy plants and a rather funky Easy Oven which I am looking forward to trying out and seeing if it is good as it claims it is. Since my oven is rather small it will be nice to have this secondary one that I can also use as a deep dryer, grill, toasty machine and Pizza Oven.

Jonathan and Dani are spending some nights with Geoff's Mum so we have a rather quiet house tonight. It will be an interesting time with just Nate home to entertain and to entertain us. I personally am looking forward to having a good sleep in and a bit of stress free time. We will see how that works out though.

All up Christmas was pretty good. I am feeling completely Exhausted right now but that is too be expected I guess. Time for some good RnR!
angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
I am sitting here at home with Wow Christmas blasting out my ear drums as well as letting the rest of the neighbourhood hear it. The songs are a modern and funky mix on the traditional carols with an awesome contemporary feel behind them. It makes me truly feel the music. It is not just words, music and rhythm, there is a deep seated soul awareness behind it all.

I am a musician. I have been surrounded by music since before I was born. I have always sung and always had music in my life. I have listened to pretty much every style of music there has been and presently is. No music can stir me the same as worship filled contemporary Christian music. It speaks to me. It makes my insides want to since as much as my body wants to sway, dance, jump and my mouth wants to join in with the melody (or harmony).

Christmas music (done well and not completely thrashed and destroyed) stirs up even more powerful feelings in me. I don't for an instant believe that Christ was born on the 25th of December. Nor do I put a lot of stock into Trees and ribbons and stockings and Santa and all that. I like the tree and the lights but only because it reminds me of the season of praise.

Jesus, the perfect son of God, the man that stood over creation, chose to humble himself and came to us as a baby. As a mother I know well the life of a baby. There is not a lot of dignity in being a baby. They have 3 functions - Eat, sleep and poop. Not only that but Jesus chose to come as a baby to a poor family. He could have come to a prestigious family of wealth and power but instead he chose a family of little means and whose only claim in life was to be from the line of David.

If all that isn't enough, Jesus was born in a stable and his first place of rest was a feeding trough. Now I know that babies do not have a lot of say, in general, to where and when they are born. We are talking about Christ though. He is the beginning and the end, he knows all things and sees all things. He knew without a doubt that his birth was going to be in just a humble manner at such a manic time.

In life we often find it hard enough to humble ourselves to let some other person sit in the front seat of the car or to have the better seat in church. Often times there is a race for who gets the best bed, the best seat, the best of everything. And yet Jesus could have claimed those things. He had every right to do it. He could have come in a gust of power but he chose not to. He knew that the best method wasn't the easy method. He knew that the humble beginnings would present him with more power than living on the coat tails of a powerful family.

Christmas has become this crazy time of year. Everything seems rushed and there is an amazing amount of pressure on people. People are pressured to buy better presents than last year, people are pressured to spend more money than last year and to come up with more amazing light displays, trees, meals. A lot of this pressure we put on ourselves. It makes people crazy and makes them hate the season. It is a commercial holiday.

Jesus came with the most pressure of any one. He had nothing and yet he came knowing that what little he had he would be giving away in 33 short years in order to bring all of us with him to heaven.

What an amazing God we serve. What an amazing time of year.

Merry Xmas everyone!

And no, I am not taking Christ out of Christmas, I am raising him and labelling him as he should be. If you are confused then look into Greek and Hebrew.

angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)
I managed to beg plead and steal a code from Susan to have this entry so no I had better use it. I hope to have a place to catalogue my thoughts a little better and see how that goes. I don't know what to expect from this journal. I am predicting many times of melancholy and deep thought but I am sure, knowing me, there will be lighter times too.


angelic_1: Jesus in Us (Default)

February 2011

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